This is the last about Peru. Seriously. Andrew and I touched down today just after noon. Within three hours of being back on our native soil, things were back to normal...and by that I mean that yet another gay man hit on me (perhaps the facial hair counts as baiting?). At least I didn't have to worry about that particular danger in Peru.
Setting- Border's Book/Movie/Music store; I'm browsing the DVDs
Dude: Seen any good movies lately?
Me (thinking perhaps he's just friendly): Um... Batman?
Dude: How was it?
Me (concerned at how friendly he's becoming...I don't look at him, but continue to browse): Better than a kick in the groin; that's for sure.
Dude (laughing a bit too hard at my rather hostile joke, then going in for the kill): You from around here?
Me (just hitting "not again mode"): No.
Dude: Oh, so you're around here visiting, huh?
Me: No, I just got in from Peru.
Dude: That's great.
Me: Yeah. (I walk away towards a different section, only to glance up and see him glaring at me)
General Observations of Peru/ Random Occurences/ Deleted Scenes
1. Andrew and I are walking down one of the alleys of Cusco, having just come back from the llama slaughtering.
Vagrant (to me): You want smoking grass?
Me: No.
Vagrant: Cocaine.
Me: No; I don't do that.
Vagrant: Oh...Oh!!! I'm sorry! (runs away, as though I might shoot him)
Me (to Andrew): Did you hear that?
Different Vagrant (again to me): You want smoking grass?
Me (annoyed): No.
Same different Vagrant: Cocaine?
Me (terse): No!
What the hell? Why me? The only thing I can figure is that, with the hideous scruff on my face at that point (as I refused to shave or even touch it up), I looked like the other moronic American guys my age (or perhaps much younger, since guys my age generally are able to grow much more facial hair). Andrew's beard, which was full at that point though he'd only been growing it for two weeks, lent him a more dignified air I suppose.
2. As Andrew and I observed when we were sitting, uncomfortably, on the side of the hill waiting for the heart to be wrenched from the llama, there are certain responsibilities that observers of a dispute or fight are required to fulfill. They are:
a. If sitting, stand up and gawk at the disputants.
b. If standing, lean in the direction of the dispute/fight and gawk. Pointing is optional, though highly encouraged.
c. If you are sure that neither of the disputants will see you, or if you are sure that they can't get to you even if they do see you because there are too many people in the way, throw food at them.
d. When throwing food, the preferred foodstuffs are rinds/skins/peels of fruits, though most partially eaten foods are apparently acceptable. There are points for hitting the disputants in the head and thus escalating the dispute.
e. When the police come to break up the dispute (and only then), yell "Policia" loudly, and point at the disputants. That way the police would never think that perhaps you had been throwing food and exascerbating the problem.
3. To make tea in Peru is extraordinarily simple, especially if you are doing so for gringoes:
a. Merely boil hot water and pour it in cups for said gringoes.
b. Break off a twig with a few small leaves and put it, whole, in the water. That or chuck some big leaves in the water.
c. Serve.
d. Tell gringoes that it will make them feel better in the altitude.
e. Give them sugar for the "tea" when they grimace at the taste.
f. Repeat steps a-e eight times per gringo, per meal.
4. Child/ Llama/ Laundry Care
a. Be a beaten-down-by-life-to-the-point-that-you-look-thirty-years-older-than-you-are, hunched over Peruvian woman with a silly hat.
b. Take a good- sized blanket (big enough for a single bed) and fold in half longways.
c. Drape the center of the blanket over your back so that the fold is down.
d. Tie the ends in a knot at your chest so that there's a make-shift pocket from how you draped the blanket on your back.
e. Insert Child/Llama/Laundry into the pocket of the blanket on your back.
f. It is not necessary for the Child/Llama/Laundry to be visible to anyone else. Make sure that whatever you stuff into your Peruvian papoose looks like it could be any of the three options.
g. Make sure to bang into tourists with the papoose as often as possible, even if a living creature is inside.
5. The advertisement on Pucyura water, which was more than enough to convince us to buy a bottle:
"Natural, and refreshing Pucyura that comes from rains and thaw dilutes of you walk them, packed in its own source to 3500m high, guaranteeing its purity and pleasant flavor. The components of water Pucyura, dilutes of the Peruvian Inca, it offers him a healthy life, besides taking care of its figure and young skin.."
That's it. Done. No mas
