How on Earth Did I Manage This?

So...I've been hollering at Hawt Chick™.  Don't ask me how I've managed to pull it off; I certainly don't know.  I think it's like how I don't really understand the exact process whereby the nuclear reactions happening 93 million miles away result in my skin turning red, then brown.  I mean I get the gist of it, but not the details.  I figure sometimes it's best to just accept and get on with your day.  No good will come from trying to figure out exactly why talking to this woman hasn't resulted in a tasering.

Yes, Hawt Chick is very good looking.  The women I go after tend to be on the Sweet-Jesus-Out-of-My-League end of the looks spectrum.  Still, there's gotta be more.  I've met lots of women on that end of the spectrum and a great many of them were as interesting as paint.  Looks are a stellar foot in the door, but if you are boring, I will go elsewhere.  As hung up as everyone is on looks, it's amazing how common good looking people are.  I run across them all the time.  Women I want to date though?  Hardly ever.

Anyway, Hawt Chick is very good looking.  But that's not it.  She jumps out of airplanes and surfs and practices yoga and competes in triathlons and runs long distances on the beach just for fun and speaks German fluently and rowed in college and has lived abroad and, in general, is sorta fearless.  Well, if not fearless, since the truly fearless are abjectly stupid, she's one who overcomes her fears or doesn't let fear get in the way of new experiences.   

She's also a law school graduate who's just taken the bar exam. 

So, she's adventurous, athletic, intelligent and Hawt. And she somehow lets me pester her.  They make those? I had no idea. Yes, please.

When I stumbled upon exactly how monumentally fantastic she is (she's not one to air it), I took note and made the command decision to pounce.  There's no dilly-dallying or cowardice when a woman like that comes along.  You either go for it or you kick yourself forever. A woman like that is not to be dismissed or ignored or put on hold while you figure out how to man up.  Not if a man has any sense.  That she was somehow single shows that men must not have any sense.

Thank God.

I somehow convinced her to pick me up from the airport the day I arrived back from Afghanistan.

I can only assume her judgment was compromised from studying for the bar exam.   

If guys didn't go after women while their defenses were down, they'd never get women out of their league. 

It was July 4th.  Independence Day for the country.  Independence Day for me.

This is me exiting the airport.  I met Hawt Chick one night last year when I was back for vacation. Other than that, I've not spent time around her.  Other than a few photos on Facebook, I don't really remember what she looks like.  I know she's good looking.

This is Hawt Chick as she gets out of the car to help me with my bags.

This is me taking one look at her and realizing how far out of my league she is.  Note that subtlety is not my forte. 

I regain my composure.

Then I make sure this is happening for real.

Then I either become a genius or really stupid. I'm not sure and I don't think it matters.

It works.

Looks aren't my strong suit. I know that.  I have to work the other angles.  Fortunately, I know women's Achilles Heel is laughter.  I turn it on.

I get a little over confident and try to ad lib

This is me horrified at my own stupidity.

This is me going back to what works and her letting my idiocy slide.  Again, I have no idea why.

For some reason I don't comprehend, she agreed to hang out with me again.  I'm running with it until a judge orders otherwise.


Or she reads this.

Great Grandfather (William Mellard Connor II)

Two weeks back and I'm only now getting around to visiting mama.  Amazing how priorities shift when you're chasing after a Hawt Chick™. 

At any rate, I stumbled upon a "Who's Who in South Carolina: 1934-1935" on her family bookshelf.  Inside was a write-up of my great-grandfather (maternal so I don't have to change his name to Carpenter to post this).

I've always shied away from those Who's Who deals because they mostly seemed to be sketchy rip-off deals at best and shameless self-aggrandizement at worst, but having gotten an opportunity to learn about my great-grandfather, I think maybe they're a pretty cool, or at least useful, way to pass on family history to future generations.

William Mellard Connor II, Lawyer; Judge Advocate General's Department, U.S. Army, Major.  Born Charleston, S.C., August 31, 1878.  Son of William Mellard and Theresa Olivia (Moorer) Connor, of the Connor and Moorer families of old Orangeburg and Colleton Counties.  Educated: Public and High School of Charleston; Wofford College, A.B.; Law School, University of Virginia, LL.B.  Fraternities: Kappa Alpha.  Assistant Attorney and ex-officio prosecuting attorney for Moro Province, 1903-08; attorney for Moro Province and ex-officio member of Legislative Council thereof, 1908-13; city attorney of Manila, 1914; Judge, 18th Judicial District, Philippine Islands, 1914-17; Major and Lieutenant Colonel, Judge Advocate, U.S. Army (World War emergency); Major, Judge Advocate, Regular Army, July 20, 1920, to date.  By War Department Orders dated May 14, 1934, detailed as Professor of Law at United States Military Academy, West Point, New York, effective July 1, 1934; Judge Advocate Philippine Islands, member of War Department Special Clemency Board; General Board of Review, Office of the Judge Advocate General; detailed as assistant to Major General E. H. Crowder during his special service in Cuba, 1921; served on War Department General Staff as Personal Representative of President Wilson, 1921-24; member S.C. Bar Association; admitted to practice before Supreme Court of the Philippine Islands an Supreme Court of the United States; by request of Chairman, detailed in 1932 and again in 1934 as Special Assistant to Military Affairs Committee of the House of Representatives.  Author: "Reviewing Authority Action in Court-Martial Proceedings"; "Philippine Criminal Procedure" in Virginia Law Review.  Mason.  Unitarian. Clubs: Army & Navy Club, Washington, D.C.; National Sojourners.  Married Artemisia Katherine Peyton (daughter of Chancellor E. G. Peyton, Miss., granddaughter of Chief Justice E.G. Peyton, Mississippi Supreme Court), October 26, 1911.  Children: William Mellard Connor, Jr. Home Address: Spartanburg, S.C.

That's pretty damn cool, but I have a long way to go before I can feel like I'm keeping up with the family history.

Jetlag and Customer Service Calls

Even though I did my best to prep for my return, staying up to strange hours in hopes it wouldn't be so bad once I got back, jetlag has bitten me badly.  I'm hiding out at a friend's house and catnapping.

Yesterday, I bought a new phone.  It's my first smartphone.  I didn't have a cell phone until 2007.  I held off on texting until 2009.  I pretty much did everything in my power to avoid having the company give me one in Afghanistan.  I don't like the things.  I think of a cell phone as an electronic leash. 

I'm also fully aware of how idiotic that is considering my minor (substantial) internet addiction and the fact that I just spent the past 16 months basically glued to the computer.  Um, I'm anti-cell-phone-radiation/brain cancer.  Yeah. That's it.

Anyway, when it comes to phones, I'm a Luddite.  Except that now I'm a super-duper techie simply by virtue of buying this phone.  It can pretty much do everything, including changing babies' diapers. 

To make sure I am satisfied with my handheld Skynet, Verizon had a lovely young woman give me a phone call just now.  "Kelly" just woke me up from my catnap.

After the various pleasantries and asking me about my purchasing experience, we finally got to the meat and potatoes of the call.  Don't call me in the morning if you're just wanting to hear your own voice. If you're going to ask me a question, I am going to want a real answer.  I realize Kelly was doing her job, but I figured it was time to play with her.  I was feeling a little punchy.


Kelly: What do you do for a living?

Me: I was a contractor in Afghanistan, but now I'm back to work on my own projects.

Kelly: This phone will certainly be able to help you with that.

Me:  Yeah, I've only owned it for 22 hours and I think it's already achieved sentience.

Kelly: So, did the salesman explain everything satisfactorily to you about your bill?

Me: Yes, he did.

Kelly: Is there anything else I can do? 

Me: Can you lower my bill by 90%? 

Kelly: No, I can't, unfortunately.

Me: So you're saying Verizon doesn't support the troops?

Kelly: No! That's not what I'm saying!

Me: Oh, you're just saying Verizon hates America?

Kelly: No. No, I'm not saying that.

(pause)

Kelly: Is there anything else I can answer for you today?

Me: What rhymes with orange? or silver?

Kelly: I'm sorry. I can't help you with that, sir.
___________________________________________________________________________
Unless you're going to give me money back, don't call me after I've already bought something from you.  And don't wake me up.  If you do, I'm going to mess with you.

Back Up In This Piece

I got back to the states yesterday and I'll be in Charleston for the next few days as I try to deal with jetlag and meet up with all you fantastic folks where were kind enough to keep in touch with me while I was away.

4th of July, Independence Day, of course, was quite fitting to me personally as the marker of my escape..  Hawt Chick picked me up from the airport and then off we went out in the harbor.  Bikini'd babes, beer, and water.  Three things I absolutely was not around in Afghanistan (Filthy Taliban...).  A fella could get used to this.

America!