Thursday, December 23, 2004

Lap of Luxury

For those of you that don't know, I'm currently on my four day pass. Things here in Qatar have been going swimmingly. I've done myself proud and succeeded in my mission to not do anything. So far I've managed to fit in some time at the swimming pool and jacuzzi in between my binge eating and thirteen hour sleep sessions. Yes, life is difficult here in the seventy five degree weather.

I just finished receiving my first ever full body massage. That was strange. I think I'm less relaxed than when I went in to the spa. The heavyset Indonesian woman, Julie, was friendly enough, but I have to say that I had no idea that these things HURT. I'd rather assumed that the inner thigh was not a source of pain, but she quickly disabused me of that notion as the flames from my poor nerves caused me to "suck gnats" while she pleasantly ordered me to relax. I quickly discovered that, in her lexicon, "relax" means "I'm 'bout to put a hurtin' on you". I was shown this as she found the spot on my upper thigh that I had prior to that point assumed was incapable of producing any sort of bad feeling by a woman's hands, and took me to the verge of tears as she brought her hundred-eighty pounds to bear on the nickle-sized bundles of nerves by way of her adamantine thumbs.

In short order I had my back bombarded and then had each of my vertebrae separated by an extra half inch by those unyielding digits and nearly had my shoulder muscles separated from the bones. She tossed me over onto my back and then went to work on my belly and chest, but, fortunately, my lack of physique meant that she didn't have much muscle to terrorize. My sternum bore the brunt of the abuse before she then gave up and went after my forehead and hairline. My grimace didn't keep her from doing her worst...ahem... best, and she assumed that she had taken me to the heights of rapture as all I seemed to be capable of was a muted whimper as she asked me various questions. At any rate, I poured off the rack/table and after putting
myself back together as best I could and stumbling to the front counter, I made sure to give her a sizeable extortion fee to make sure that she would let me escape.

Actually, now that I'm paying attention to it, my body does feel much better and more limp, much the way it would after seven to twelve rounds of body blows from a heavyweight boxing champion (better than when it was in the process of being beaten, mind you).

Off now to the restaurant, by way of the internal medicine division of the infirmary.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

No Rest for the Weary

Mark today on your calendars. I actually escaped my FOB (my first time out since I got there on May 1st). I'm now at LSA (Logistics Support Area...I think) Anaconda, where tomorrow I'll fly to Qatar for my four day pass. Woohoo. Four days of.... well, I don't know, but it'll be different and different is good at this point. I might be off the internet for that time so don't worry. I'll get back in touch as soon as possible. I sign off with a "Happy HOLIDAYS", as I've got a theologically diverse group here (militant athiests included, Campbell).

Thursday, December 2, 2004

War Stories

In the past few days there have been a couple of incidents that have shown what can happen here. I don't want to say they're extraordinary, because a sad fact of war is that bad and bizarre things will happen.

Yesterday, the enemy mortarmen screwed up their shot. Instead of landing the 82mm mortar on to one of our bases, they dropped it on a house. It killed three children between the ages of three and five and wounded the three other kids in the room (young teenagers). We had to put out an immediate press bulletin before Al Jazeera could try to say that we had done it. Great. Dead kids are now a political game.

Today a man came out of a palm grove with a gun as a US convoy was passing. Many times the enemy use the palm groves for their ambushes. The convoy stopped and tried to direct the guy to put down the weapon. He didn't comply and they shot him in the gut. They discovered it was a toy gun. They were later told by the man's family that he's retarded.

Anyhoo, that's my little slice of sunshine to brighten up your holiday spirits.