Would You Rather Be Happy or Right?

If I had my "druthers", I'd rather be happy AND right.

Frankly, I think it's a horsecrap question.  If I behave in a way that I believe is right, I'm not sure I can be happy if the alternative to what I'm doing is the "path to happiness."  Metaphorically speaking, I'm "right" to drive the direction I do (with traffic) on the interstate.  Is the path to "happy" to drive the wrong way, against traffic? That's not going to make me happy either.

But, yes, yes, I know.  The point is really about being an argumentative pain in the ass and not seeing the forest for the trees, that you can "win" the individual battle (argument) and lose the war (not actually persuade your opponent and in fact set them harder against your point).

Anna McPherson

And the door opened
and then there she was:
my first love

Not the first girl I was in love with,

"What Do You Do?"

She asked with a slight sneer and a hint of condescension.

Clearly, I'm some Hawaiian shirt wearing buffoon.

I really hate that question.

Welllllll....

The One-Sided Conversation

He listened intently to her and looked at her from across the table where they were all sitting and chatting.

"That's not a fair thing to tell me.   You can't tell me about the problems you're having with him.  I'm trying to be your friend.  I'm trying very hard to be your friend. To be encouraging and supportive. You've got other friends for that. Friends who aren't me.  And I can't tell you that's not a fair thing to tell me because simply saying that reveals the issue. More than that though, I can't tell you that I can't tell you because saying even that reveals the issue too.

"And of course the issue is that I like you.  English has over half a million words.  English
speakers have conquered the planet. And yet somehow there's not an adequate word for you-make-me-feel-tingly-and-I-marvel-at-being-around-you, because we're too cowardly or unimaginative. And I don't mean love because I can't mean that. How could I? I haven't been able to know you well enough yet. That non-existent word that the English language hasn't invented (but should), well, the feeling it would try to capture, lets me know I sure as hell could love you though. Which is a terrifying, mesmerizing thing.

"And I can't tell you that because you are with someone else.  Yes, I mean, I could. But how the hell is that remotely fair?  If I like you (non-magic version) and care about you as a friend [which I do, because I sure as hell wouldn't like you (magic version) if I didn't or couldn't care about you as a friend], I should care about you and what's best for you over myself and what I want.  That's how I treat friendship, anyway.  Friendship is about the other person, about the satisfaction, enjoyment, and pleasure you get from simply knowing your friend and, if you can ever help or be there for someone you enjoy and care about, so much the better.  Friendship isn't take, take, take.  That's how I see it anyway.

"So I'm your friend and I've got this 'thing' for you and maybe if I were younger, I'd figure out some soap-operatic, romantic way to do the Big Reveal. Actually, I definitely would. I have before. And...yeah. I'm not doing that again/any more.  Because again, it's not fair.  You didn't ask for it. He didn't ask for it.  And now I'm just supposed to drop that grenade in there? There are a lot of people this unasked-for feeling could affect. 'Affect.' No, that's not the right word. Hurt. I don't want to hurt any body.

"Plus, yeah. I'm attracted to you. So what?  If I couldn't be friends with a woman I'm attracted to, I couldn't be friends with a lot of women.  I mean, I'm definitely not attracted to my other female friends in the same way that I am with you, but the point still stands.  Younger guys have a harder time with it, but at a certain point, as a man, you just kinda acknowledge the attraction to yourself and move on with your day.  Because otherwise, you're not really having female friends; you're kinda an asshole who's waiting for his opening to get what he wants.

"And I know you're attracted to me too. It's not like this is the first time friends and I have been attracted to each other; it's not my first rodeo.  When that happens you just keep everything above board and carry on.  Otherwise, well, the alternative is...nothing.  

"I suppose I could stop talking to you. To be frank, I definitely have tried to talk to you less, just so I don't cross lines or dissolve into a blubbering frustrated mess. But it's difficult and I'm not perfect at it and sometimes I've botched things by trying to figure out the right boundaries to have.  That's  the hard part of all this: figuring out how to be close to you without getting too close to you.  Honestly, it's tough as hell.

"So I like you and you're my friend and I love talking to you and being around you, but you're with someone else.  I have to respect that. Well, I don't have to, but I do, because, again, otherwise I'm kinda an asshole who's waiting for his opening to get what he wants. And I suppose I could be that guy, but I don't want to be that guy.  

"So I'm trying my hardest not to be that guy.

"And maybe you're telling me about problems you're having with him to gauge my interest, but that's definitely not fair. In fact, it's kind of insulting to me and him.  You can't not know I like you.  But I didn't invent him. I didn't bring him into this situation.  I met you when you were with him.  You're my friend and you're with him.  So I hold our friendship above the liking/whathaveyou, and that means making an effort to like and be friendly to him and to be inclusive.  So that's what I've done.  That's what I do with my friends, female and male, that I'm not attracted to.

"But when my other friends, male or female, start to tell me about their issues with their significant others, I hear them out and talk through it with them and I'm there for them. I can't do that with you. I just can't.  Because I wouldn't know that I'm being the best friend for you that I can be, or that my feelings have taken over and I'm trying to get what I want.

"And of course I think I'm what's best for you.  But I'm also aware that I would think that.

"That decision is yours and yours alone.  And it has to be.  Maybe you want me to swoop in. Maybe you want the big romantic reveal.  But then a) I'm a guy who stole someone's girlfriend, who is not someone I want to be because that guy is not trustworthy and he's a selfish ass and b) you're the girlfriend who couldn't be trusted, who is someone I not only don't want you to be, but I can't be with.

"So I can be your friend. I am your friend. Even though I like you (Hurry up with that elusive word, Mr. Webster). And I've even said very nice, flattering things about him. Because they're true. He's a great guy from what I can tell.  And I've been encouraging about you two when it's come up and been appropriate.  But now you're telling me about problems you're having with him. And that's not a fair thing to tell me. And I can't tell you that's not a fair thing to tell me.  And I can't tell you that there's something I can't tell you," he thought to himself in a millisecond of emotion that he hoped didn't flash across his face.

So he shrugged and said, "Well, I hate to hear that. It's really unfortunate. He appears to be a great guy."

And then he intentionally broke the moment by trying to look like he did it unintentionally when he suddenly chimed in on what their friends were saying, none of whom had the slightest idea of what he and she'd been talking about, because the place was loud and everyone was being festive.  Except maybe that other friend of theirs, whom he suspected liked her too.

The Hawaiian Shirts

Out and about the other night and a pretty friend teased about my penchant for wearing Hawaiian shirts.  I playfully protested that they're fantastic and she, correctly, said, "Oh, you know they're terrible. That's not the point. They're your thing."  She's one of the few smart ones.

Instability: Short Story in a Timeline

Without dissecting individual years , my "home" addresses: