Ouchers

I have/had an ingrown toenail. Never had one this bad before. I've always been able to dig them out on my own before. This one was...unpleasant...to say the least. I'd bump my toe and electric bolts of furious pain would shoot up my foot and leg. I'd clench everything and burst inhale. I had to go to the docs.

The doctors that the company hires are foreigners. I got two Macedonian docs. I'm okay going to a foreigner for health care if it's something simple like a cold or the flu, but when blades start coming out, I get more than a bit skeptical of medical training in other countries, particularly in nearly 3rd world Balkan countries.

The lady doc was the one with the blade. It was not a scalpel. It really looked more like a super-skinny box cutter. She started probing.

"There pain?" she asked as she made her initial forays.

I'm not necessarily the most physically dominating guy, I know, but I like to feel that I can handle pain at least the way a normal man would. Sure, there was a little pain, but she was digging around under my nail bed with a razor; there was going to be pain. Now, while I can handle (a bit) of pain, I'm not foolish about it. I don't really see any need to watch my flesh cut. I turned my head. I suppose that wasn't macho.

"There pain?" she asked, seemingly because I wasn't watching.

"A little. It's fine."

Then she stone-crab-pinced her non-blade-holding fingers directly on the inflamed nerve cluster.

"There pain?" she asked, almost pleased she'd found where the pain was, as evidenced by my quick inhalation when she pierced the spot.

"We not want you hurt. We give anesthesia."

I happen to know from prior experience that anesthesia typically hurts as much if not more than anything else. Yup, they jammed the needle into the nerves, but only on the 3rd attempt. The first two were queries to see where they could make my toe bleed but not numb anything important.

I did not gasp. I did not cry. I DID clench my fists.

Then she decided to go in deep with the blade. It turned out she hadn't stabbed the nerves deep enough with the anesthesia. I winced.

An eruption of Bosnian followed. I heard her say it.

The other doc said, "You know what he said?" (The male doc refers to both genders as "he" or "him.")

"Yup, she called me a baby."

"You are big man and..." he said but couldn't finished and started chuckling.

She laughed.

Half-jokingly, I said, "Feet have a lot of nerves, and since mine are so much bigger than most peoples, I have more nerves."

I'm pretty sure I took this reasoning from my brother, verbatim, when he tried to explain his non-stoic reaction to having a German doctor use his foot for a pin-cushion.

They laughed more.

I considered violent acts.

She stopped laughing.

"No more anesthesia. There going to be pain."

I ended up watching most of what she was doing and it really seemed like she didn't do much cutting of the offending toenail. She got up under it and into the nailbed a bit, but mostly she cut flesh, which had the rather typical effect of bleeding, a lot.

Layman that I am, it just seemed like she scraped at it a bit, but then got aggravated by the blood blocking her view so she jammed gauze dripping with betadine underneath the nail.

"How did she jam gauze into the nail bed" you might ask.

"With the tip of a sharp pair of scissors" I answer.

There were repeated looks of merriment between the two Bosnians every time I winced. Finally, at the end, I was told, "Okay. You come back tomorrow to clean. You take shower?"

"Most people prefer if I do."

"Yes. Keep foot out of shower," the male doctor said as he pantomimed shampooing his head and hopping on one leg, the other kicked way out like he were auditioning for the Rockettes.

"Ohkiedohkie."

"Oh, before you leave...," he said as he handed me a bag of ibuprofen, "for pain."

I put my flip-flop on and left.

I don't think I was quite the baby they thought I was, but I do know that I wouldn't last two seconds under torture.