Osaka

Prior to Japan, France had the worst sign directions I'd ever encountered. All the street signs were designed for people who already know where they're going. The signs in the Osaka train station are designed, not for anyone to know where they're going, but, rather, to draw unsuspecting gaijin into a labyrinth of department stores at the core of the complex. I have a fantastic sense of direction and a startling ability to remember a path somewhere if I've been there even once. I don't get lost. However, if I do, it's such a shock to my system that I have been known to lose my composure. Naturally, when I'm completely turned around, confused and infinitely frustrated is when my mother likes to chime in and offer oh-so-helpful tips like "Well, where are we supposed to be going?", "Are you lost?", "Did you follow the signs?", and "Did you (insert whatever would best enrage Andre)?" I did my best not to murder her (and succeeded...otherwise, this would be admissible evidence).

Amazingly, a random Japanese saint saw the Monster Nose Round Eye about to go nuclear in the bowels of the train station and offered to help us. Feeling naked and helpless, I agreed to follow him as he led us. Visions of being led to an alley where his ninja compadres robbed us or even something so simple as him taking us to his overpriced "Lost Gaijin" car service flitted through my head as Mom, last person who should ever be given a secret security clearance, babbled on and on about everything about us (my years associated with the Department of Defense during the War on Terror™ have left me slightly paranoid, I admit). I was waiting for the other shoe to drop until the little old man paid for our subway tickets and put us on the right train. God bless you, little old Japanese Angel.

Osaka Castle is the most visited tourist site in Japan. It's said that's because it's the only thing to see in Osaka. We wouldn't know. We skipped it. We took at $25 taxi to Universal Studios Japan!

Because there's simply not space in Japan for a huge complex, most of the "rides" have to rely on motion simulation, which is pretty clever. It would have been even more clever if we had any idea whatsoever of what was going on. Our first "ride" was Spiderman and after a (relatively) short 25 minute line, where we wound around the ride building and watch Peter Parker's editor, Jonah Jameson, scream angry Japanese at the beleaguered, broke superhero, we got in the ride car. We wore 3D glasses as we watched Spidey fight four villains as we were (simulated...surprisingly realistically) lifted hundreds of feet in the air, dropped repeatedly, subject to countless goblin bombs and who knows how many of Doc Ock's tentacles nearly snatching off our faces. Jana took advantage of the small kids in the car with us not knowing foul-mouthed English to express her complete approval as we jostled around. I joined her. Back to the Future involved some story about Biff stealing the Delorean and we chased him back to prehistory where we dodged subterranean magma and subterranean Tyrannosauri Rex (?!!). Jaws was a knockoff of Disney World's Jungle Cruise, though I, personally, enjoyed the four year old who cried and cried when Jaws burst out of the water.

T2 ended up not being a "ride." I'd had a fair amount of beer by the time we were herded into an auditorium and an insane lady apparently told us super enthusiastically about the wonderful innovations that Cyberdyne was coming up with, including a robotic young Shaquille O'Neal who actually makes free throws. Twenty minutes of her jabbering was a bit much. Then we were put in another auditorium where we put on the 3D glasses to see nuclear war (awkward in this country) and then Arnold and John Connor saved the world from a GIANT SPIDER (?!!). My note I wrote to myself sums up the experience: "1st in line to @$#!ing crazy!"

After hours and hours wandering in the rain (of course with my luck the day I shell out the megabucks to go to the amusement park was the first day it actually rained) at Bizarro Studios, we took another $25 taxi to the hotel and our ship-berth-sized room.