"This Means War" (Unfilmed Realistic Script)

INT. CIA HQ, Langley, Virginia

In a room full of agents at their desks, divided by a center aisle, JAMES KIRK and BRIT MCACCENT, best of friends and fellow spies, sit across from each other.  Each are smiling at their computer monitors.

JAMES KIRK

My new girlfriend is fantastic! She's a bit older than I am and has some kids

with a bit of a douchebag actor, but if you don't pay attention to her chin and 

she's in a pushup bra, man, she's pretty damn cute.

BRIT MCACCENT

That sounds great.  My new girlfriend is fantastic as well.  She sounds awfully similar 

to your girlfriend, but then we're in the DC dating pool and the insecure divorcees here

are damn near interchangeable.  Not that I have a problem with that. 

JAMES KIRK

Do you want to do something guys NEVER do?!!!!

BRIT MCACCENT

Of course! I'm British!

JAMES KIRK

Let's get really giddy and pull up the best photograph of our girlfriend we can find. 

Then, on the count of three, let's face our monitors to each other, like macho, deadly

men would never do, and beam over our cutiepies!

BRIT MCACCENT

This is a bit frenchish for my blood, but fine

JAMES KIRK and MCACCENT start clicking away to find the perfect photographs of their girlfriends.  They are getting bizarrely chipper.

JAMES KIRK

You ready?

BRIT MCACCENT

I can't wait!

JAMES KIRK

1, 2, 3!

The two master spies whip around their monitors, only to see that they have the same picture up.  Clearly, they've been led on by the woman.

JAMES KIRK

Huh?

BRIT MCACCENT

Whoa!

JAMES KIRK

What a fucking slut!

BRIT MCACCENT

Yeah, it's not like I had drinks with her once; we're in a relationship.

JAMES KIRK

No offense, but I have to go get myself tested.  Who knows where else this lying bitch has been?

BRIT MCACCENT

I am right behind you. Again. HEEEYYYOOOO!!!!

JAMES KIRK

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's awesome! But seriously, if she gave us something, I'm going to 

make her disappear.  You don't fuck over a spy.  

BRIT MCACCENT

I'll help

JAMES KIRK

Hey, since we work for the CIA, let's go ahead and put her on the no-fly list for shits

and giggles when we get back.

BRIT MCACCENT

Righty-O!