The Bear in the Funny Hat Riding a Bicycle in the Circus

Last night, teasing with a newer friend, the conversation went, jokingly, to a dark place.  I'm fine with dark humor, but objectively it can become terrifically unfunny because of who I am and the fact that I'm saying it. I sent the note below this morning.  I share because this is a recurring issue with folks who've met me since my time in the army and lose sight of my bigger picture sometimes.

Soo....

I like to say all sorts of things, true and otherwise. I like to say true things as though they're complete fabrications and I like to say complete fabrications as though they're true. I do my best to say both with the same delivery. I enjoy seeing what people fall for. I'm usually testing even as I'm trying to entertain. That's my schtick.  

I also am relatively unafraid to lead a conversation to a bizarro place or to prod someone else there and see if they keep up. I am definitely unafraid to be awkward or weird. That's how any number of vulgar/outrageous/ridiculous conversations I've managed to have with you.

You've proven pretty adept at knowing that most of the things I say are b.s. or, even if "true" are framed just off ("fibbing" as you say) and clearly you're willing to follow or lead conversations to bizarro places. So, you're fun.

One of my other schticks, which is intimately tied to the above, is being the hawaiian-shirt-wearing goofball who doesn't take anything seriously. He can get away with saying all manner of things and it's taken with a grain of salt and, even when it comes out poorly (often), it's generally understood the intent is playful or joking.

However,

I'm also a 6'2", 200+lbs. army officer who's been to war in Iraq and who went as a contractor to Afghanistan.

Sometimes a conversation (like last night's) will get a little too close to that and then it's a bit like when you see a bear in a funny hat riding a bicycle at the circus. Every once in a while, it does something that makes you intimately aware that you're trapped in a tent with, you know, a bear.
 

It's hard for me to joke in regards to war/death/killing, not because I'm against gallow's humor (far from it), but unless the other person knows me very well, it's not really funny because, as I do with most everything else, I *may* not be joking. Then it's less black humor about war/death/killing and more potentially psychopathic ranting or mentally tortured war-vet rambling. Actual psychopath or tortured war-vet are not images I'm trying to cultivate.

So we're on the same page: I'm an Army Captain. I was in for four years and have remained on inactive reserves for the past 8 years (they can call me back if there's an emergency). I was stationed in Germany. I went to Iraq. There, because I'm an artilleryman (cannons) and an officer, I was a firebase commander.

All soldiers are trained to kill, technically. We don't shoot automatic weapons for trophies. However, as an artillery officer, my duty was less shoot-people-with-my-M16 and more supervise/direct/order-my-soldiers-to-launch-95lbs-projectiles-upwards-of-18-miles in order to support or protect the infantrymen or tankers that were out on patrol (or to protect the main base from the enemy launching rockets and mortars at them).

I drew my rifle a number of times over there, but never had to fire it in anger. Fortunately, I was never put in a position where I had to. That said, it's not that I'm thankful because I was afraid; it's because I'd much rather not have to have killed anyone, regardless of whether they were the "enemy".

At the same time, um, it's a bit weird (and seems awful) to tell civilians, but, yeah, I'd kill someone if it were required. I don't need particular training for that, just an awareness that it may needs be done and the will to follow through.

I'm a soldier; it's an ingrained part of who I am, and has been for all of my life (my family is super-military). I've always understood violence and killing as (regrettable) facts regardless that I'm personally a pacifist.

Simply put, I don't fight. I've taken my fair share of punches before. I wouldn't fight if what were at stake were a butt-whuppin'. But I would kill if it were required. And I hope I'm never in a situation that requires.

All of that said, I much prefer being the hawaiian shirt wearing goofball who doesn't take things seriously. I'm a Christian. I try to be "good". I try to be honorable. I try to be kind.

Now that's all cleared up, I'd like to go back to wearing the funny hat and riding the bicycle in circles (awkwardly/weirdly) for your entertainment.