Thank a Veteran

I was a soldier once...and young. Now, I'm not old, but I also ain't young. And, these days, I could only fit in my old uniforms with a steel shoehorn and a liberal application of grease. But the soldier mindset is still in here, buried under the accretions of the decade of subsequent civilian life.

And here I am now, a(n intentionally) goofy, (unintentionally) pudgy dude at the dawn of middle age, out with friends at a loud dive bar after a wedding rehearsal party:

Maid of Honor (MOH; a pretty-enough ~25yo blonde from Ohio): mumblemumblemumble

Me: What!?

Bride to Be (BTB; my friend, also an attractive, blonde Ohioan): Ajax can barely hear! He was in the army.

BTB wanders off.

MOH: You were in the army?!

Me: Yeah! I used to play with cannons!

MOH: You ever kill anyone?

This is tricky. We're out at a bar. We've been drinking. No, I didn't initiate this, but stopping and lecturing and nuking the atmosphere isn't the right call. At the same time, I never let anyone who asks that think it's okay. But I also try to be delicate.  

To be explicit, it is NOT okay. 

First and foremost, it is a useless question; there is no positive, for any answer, for anyone, in that conversation.  If I killed someone and I feel bad about it, was finding out worth making me feel bad? If I killed someone and I *don't* feel bad about it, was finding out worth being uncomfortable because, whee!, you're talking to a cold-hearted killer now?  Also, what good is the knowledge about my killing someone?  If you haven't killed someone too, we're not going to really understand each other. It's like knowing a chinese word but not knowing what it means. You can say the sound out loud; hell, you might even be able to draw it perfectly, but you don't get it or know when or how to use it.  So what's really the point of knowing it?

 Anyways, the vast majority understand that asking someone if they've killed someone else is an "indelicate" question at best, and a "fucking rude" one at worst.   Coincidentally, it has only ever been attractive young women who have asked me that. I go with my response I've used for the others.

Me: It's okay that you asked me that, because I wasn't a doorkicker and I *didn't* shoot anyone, but that's not really an appropriate question to ask a veteran.

The other times I've replied with that, the girl has invariably said "Oops. My bad. I didn't realize. Sorry." and I've said, "No worries." and that's been that.  However, MOH somewhat aggressively rejoins: 

MOH: Why not? 

Me: Well, because killing people, even if justified, leaves a mark on someone and it's kinda rude to bring it up.

MOH: I don't see why. That's what you signed up to do: to kill people.

I'm shocked and confused.

Me: No. I commissioned because I'm from a military family and it's a tradition.

She carries on aggressively.

MOH: Whatever. The whole point of the army is to kill people. That's why you joined.

I'm taken aback.

Me: No. And if anything the guys I know and I joined to protect people.

MOH: That's just your 'white privilege' talking.

At this point, I see red. As in, my vision literally flashes red, as a well of anger erupts that I'm wholly unaccustomed to feeling.  

I will be frank: only a woman would say anything remotely like this and not understand before saying it that she was inviting a punch to the face. I'm not saying violence is appropriate or commendable, but men know there are lines that they risk crossing that will result in violence. 100% of men in this situation (antagonizing a veteran about service) would know they ran the very real risk of getting decked.  

However, I am not a personally violent person and I try my best to control myself, so I take a very deep breath and push the anger down.

Me: That doesn't even make sense, if not the majority, huge numbers of minorities are in the military.

MOH: Yeah, poor people sign up because they don't have other options. But even then most people sign up to go shoot people.

At this point, since breaking her nose is not on the table, and having a back and forth with a jerk is not going to accomplish anything other than making me madder and madder, I pause for a moment, and then go meta.

Me: I don't understand why you're being antagonistic.

MOH: What do you mean? I'm not being antagonistic. 

Me:  Yes, you are. And you know you are.  We are out, AFTER OUR FRIENDS' REHEARSAL PARTY, and you're insulting me to my face and doing it knowing you're insulting me. Why? For what purpose? Is messing up the night your goal?

Now she's shocked, because I called her on it.

MOH: No, I'm not, I mean...

Me: Yes, you are.

The Bride to Be wanders back in to our conversation. She smiling.

BTB: What's up?

Me: Nothing. I gotta grab another beer. You want anything?

I smile for her and wander off to the bar. No reason to tank her night with her friend's bullshit.  I go to the bar and ask for a cup of water.  I stand there, slowly sipping water and stewing. A couple of friends come over and ask me to join them, but I demur and, after a while, I slip out and head home.