The Carpenter Manifesto

I have given up. I have lost my mind due to the horrific monotony of my day- to- day existence and the rampant idiocy all around me.

That being said:

I will now only go by the moniker of “A-Train,” though “Lambert” is acceptable if I don’t know you.

I will be drinking myself silly at every opportunity at the local clubs so as to “get some.”

I will say and agree with anything that the local greasy- haired, tattooed, multi-pierced, reactionary, bell- bottom wearing, socialist chick says in order to do so.

I will turn my back on common sense and good taste.

I will buy products based on their ability to use sex to sell themselves.

When not at work, I will be hanging out with my colleagues talking about work.

I will listen to popular music, because if people like it, it must be good.

If I read a book it will only be about the military.

I will make sure to work in as much Army lingo (like “roger” and “wilco”) as possible into my casual conversations with people.

I will hone my sense of humor so that it is as subtle and refined as an elephant screwing a chicken.

I will only share an opinion with a group if I am sure that they all feel the same way.

Mediocrity will be my standard, though I will tout what little I’ve done as being indispensable.

I will make up work for myself and my soldiers and consider it meaningful.

If the boss makes a joke, I will make sure to laugh heartily and make sure that he knows that I thought it was really, really funny, even if it really, really wasn’t.

I will make obvious asskisser comments to the boss that, on the surface, appear to be mocking asskissing, though in fact I will just be trying to be cool about my asskissing by making fun of the fact that I kiss so much ass.

I will embrace form over function/ aesthetics over utility.

If someone is different from me or my group I will make sure to ridicule them.

I will express opinions on things that I know nothing about, determined that my point of view is always right.

I will make sure to argue with people concerning their areas of expertise when I myself know next to nothing about said areas.

When I don’t know what I’m talking about I will B. S. the person I’m talking to and I will be convinced that they will believe me.

I will believe my own B. S.

I will say that I care about my subordinates, but really I’ll always be looking out for #1.

I will be intimidated by competency.

I will take myself seriously.