Acknowledging "Bad"

As I hardly ever say or write anything that is serious, I wish to state at the start that I'm being sincere and as serious as death about this.  If you want funny, wait for the next one.

 The following is what I shared with a friend who is going through a "bad" phase (Unemployed, romance problems, living at home, etc.). I took issue with him for trying to make light of what he was going through, of beating himself up that he was being weak and that it really wasn't a big deal and he didn't know what was wrong with him for being so upset:

Did I ever tell you about my near breakdown or actual breakdown (I'm not sure which) I had in Iraq?

No?

Childhood/growing up was BAD. Dad's a [redacted since people who read this know him; I will simply say "not good"]; mom was an alcoholic [since recovering, with which I am well impressed -Ed]; step dad was an alcoholic who hated me.

So...college was great...but the army...

I loved aspects of the army, but the army was hard; particularly my last two years.  I had two of the worst bosses you can imagine, and a bad boss in the military is indescribably bad. 

There's no escape.  There's no quitting.  You just suffer.

Because I was good at what I did, I had to cover for the bad bosses, which they resented, but their boss wanted me to stay where I was to keep things functioning.

Anyway, Iraq.

So I'm 24, and about to go to freaking war.  I mean, I went in 2004; it wasn't the invasion
but it wasn't a walk in the park. And while I am not "scared", thoughts of being mangled and dying, well, they get in your head.  How you can not be scared but have it still weigh on you, it's hard to explain.  It's like worrying about death in general...

Anyway, the setup was:

very bad bosses

unrelenting stress
constant deadlines
out in the field for months and months before we even went to Iraq

In fact, the prep was more stressful than being in Iraq.

Then, to add to it, I met a woman a month before I left and she and I had MASSIVE chemistry.

But...

She sorta had a boyfriend.  And I didn't want to let myself get into something like that right as I was leaving.  Her name was Irene (is still, I suppose).

So, emotionally, I was pretty much wide open/exposed.  Then we get to Iraq, and I'm pining for Irene.  My idiot boss is still an idiot, but now it's in a war zone where his dumb shit could get me or people I am responsible for killed. 

Oh, and I was a firebase commander, so I was responsible for 60 guys' lives.

It was not good and whenever I used to go through anything bad, I'd remember the horrible shit I went through with my parents and say

"I've been through worse."

Well, after two months, things came to a head with the idiot boss.  I was a lieutenant; he was a captain.  In the military, rank is rank.  The bigger boss, a lieutenant colonel, fired me.  I mean, he tried to call it something else ("You're about to get promoted and you've been the platoon leader for sixteen months already...") but I got fired. 

Because too damn bad that the captain was a moron; it's the army.

It was humiliating and frustrating at the time. Angering...

Meanwhile, during those two months, Irene and I were emailing; I was writing her letters all the time.

But we weren't dating.  She was still with her boyfriend.  It was a dumb situation but I couldn't help it.  My life was miserable and I was focusing on the one thing that made me happy, and I sorta deluded myself/did mental gymnastics somehow that it made sense, seemed right. 

Anyway, my friend Chris, who was in Iraq with me, rightly pulled my head out of my ass about that whole thing with her.  Something for which I'm eternally grateful to him.

Well, I was in a war zone; I'd been working for a monumentally bad boss;  I'd been stressed about all the people and operations I was responsible for; and I'd fallen in love with a woman I didn't really know,  and I kept trying to tell myself:

"I've been through worse. This is bad, but I've been through worse"

And it just kept getting worse and worse emotionally.

Now, the reason I said it might NOT have been a breakdown was because medication was involved.  They also had us on anti-malarial pills, Lariam, which have psychotic side effects on a small percentage of people.

Anyway, all that shit came to a head.  I started having panic attacks and crying spells for no reason.  I'm not sure if you can quite understand that I don't cry.  I mean, not for that sorta thing.  Like, I was crying.  A senior lieutenant in the army.  Crying and not being able to control it or know why and things felt like they were spiraling down and down and down.

Finally, I had a suicidal thought...which, you don't know this about me, but that's completely NOT me. At all.  Like, if the police tell you I committed suicide, you hire detectives. I was murdered.  No suicide. 

Anyway, the thought popped in "Why am I even...wait? What the fuck?"

Seriously, the second that popped in my head, was when I finally had my epiphany.
Because there was no "This is bad but..."

I took a deep breath

I said to myself,

"I may have been through worse, but this is bad and bad is bad"

and instead of trying to fight it or think I was weak for feeling that way, even the small token action of acknowledgment helped more than I can say. 

Now, I also immediately stopped taking those pills and within two weeks I was back to normal.  Not happy, mind you, but functional.  So it was a confluence of a number of things.

but

it was "bad."

In the time since, I've been through "bad" again, and, when I have, I don't try to compare it to anything else. First and foremost, I acknowledge it; recognize it; stop trying to fight it or pretend it's not a big deal; and that helps me bear it and eventually rise through it.

You actually saw me like that once; when the Ellie thing went very "bad", I nearly lost it again.  She pulled some insane, fucked-up stunt and you ran into me as I was leaving school right after it happened.  I was trying to explain it to you and babbling and not making much sense.

Another time things were "bad" was after the bar exam in November or December.  No job, no prospects.  The place I was crashing, I had to leave; had to go stay with mom for a while.  It was "bad" and I started spiraling again, until I admitted it to myself.

Because my instinct was to compare it.

"I've been to war; I've had my heart broken; this is bullshit"

But, no.

It was "bad".

And it needed to be acknowledged.  Once I did, I was able to figure out that it wasn't something that I could bear, that I needed change.  That's when I came up with the going back to school idea.  Fortunately, I got this job.

But I've had two "bad" times during this job.  The first one, I transferred to the contracts department and that helped and now that it's gotten "bad" again, I'm getting the hell out. I'd thought vacation in April would fix things.

It didn't.

Things can't stay like this though, so I'm leaving. 

Anyway, I tell you all of that to reiterate that you absolutely must not beat yourself up for asking for help because that's acknowledging you're in a bad place.  Asking for help is going for change.  And you're in a bad place. 

There's no bullshit "I feel weak..."

I was where you are for six months after I graduated.  It was "bad".  You've been there longer. You haven't done anything wrong; it's not your fault.  Sometimes "bad" is just "bad".  Just accept it.

You and I are very different of course, but perhaps this will help.   I'm a very independent person, as I've said, and I do my best not to bother people when I'm having problems.

My m.o. is to say to myself "I can handle it."

Part of acknowledging "This is bad"  is that I reach out to my friends and say

"Look, I'm going through 'bad', and I'm not sure if you can help, per se, but I need support."

And damn if their support isn't the best thing in the world for me.

I LOVE my friends; they've been the family I didn't have.

I tell you this: friends help me when I'm down; I help them.

If you need help, I am here for you.

No judgment.

No thinking "He's weak."

You got that?