Jetlag and Customer Service Calls

Even though I did my best to prep for my return, staying up to strange hours in hopes it wouldn't be so bad once I got back, jetlag has bitten me badly.  I'm hiding out at a friend's house and catnapping.

Yesterday, I bought a new phone.  It's my first smartphone.  I didn't have a cell phone until 2007.  I held off on texting until 2009.  I pretty much did everything in my power to avoid having the company give me one in Afghanistan.  I don't like the things.  I think of a cell phone as an electronic leash. 

I'm also fully aware of how idiotic that is considering my minor (substantial) internet addiction and the fact that I just spent the past 16 months basically glued to the computer.  Um, I'm anti-cell-phone-radiation/brain cancer.  Yeah. That's it.

Anyway, when it comes to phones, I'm a Luddite.  Except that now I'm a super-duper techie simply by virtue of buying this phone.  It can pretty much do everything, including changing babies' diapers. 

To make sure I am satisfied with my handheld Skynet, Verizon had a lovely young woman give me a phone call just now.  "Kelly" just woke me up from my catnap.

After the various pleasantries and asking me about my purchasing experience, we finally got to the meat and potatoes of the call.  Don't call me in the morning if you're just wanting to hear your own voice. If you're going to ask me a question, I am going to want a real answer.  I realize Kelly was doing her job, but I figured it was time to play with her.  I was feeling a little punchy.


Kelly: What do you do for a living?

Me: I was a contractor in Afghanistan, but now I'm back to work on my own projects.

Kelly: This phone will certainly be able to help you with that.

Me:  Yeah, I've only owned it for 22 hours and I think it's already achieved sentience.

Kelly: So, did the salesman explain everything satisfactorily to you about your bill?

Me: Yes, he did.

Kelly: Is there anything else I can do? 

Me: Can you lower my bill by 90%? 

Kelly: No, I can't, unfortunately.

Me: So you're saying Verizon doesn't support the troops?

Kelly: No! That's not what I'm saying!

Me: Oh, you're just saying Verizon hates America?

Kelly: No. No, I'm not saying that.

(pause)

Kelly: Is there anything else I can answer for you today?

Me: What rhymes with orange? or silver?

Kelly: I'm sorry. I can't help you with that, sir.
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Unless you're going to give me money back, don't call me after I've already bought something from you.  And don't wake me up.  If you do, I'm going to mess with you.