Asking for Rejection

To Whom It May Concern,

I mailed in a fiction submission in December (~Dec 7, 2022) titled "Homecoming." As per the instructions on your webpage, I'm now contacting after 3 months to ascertain its status.

While I can only assume The Paris Review hasn't contacted me yet because you're still fundraising in order to give me All The Money and erect a Colossus in honor of my literary majesty, I am emailing on the miniscule, unfathomable happenstance that an un-agented amateur may somehow not have been up to snuff for such a prestigious publication (Infandum!).

If that were the case, a form rejection will provide a modicum of closure, though, of course, any notes or feedback would be appreciated to a degree far beyond rational measure.

May your day be lovely.

Inquisitively,

Captain Ajax Carpenter, Esquire
Charleston, SC