Iraq Education

Iraq has been an education. Many things that I'd held to be true I've since had to reconsider based on what I've experienced in my time here.

What I've learned so far:

Math and Standards & Ethics- if her face is a two and her body is a five, she's a seven… and there's nothing wrong with a seven.

Foreign Relations- all foreign soldiers stink to high hell and appear starved, despite the fact that they use up all the water by taking thirty- minute showers, and they horde food from the mess hall, escaping back to wherever with loaves of bread, cookies, and basically anything not already eaten or under armed guard.

Chemistry- combining clothes detergent and water will result in clothes appearing far dirtier and far older. All clothes, regardless of original color, will become brown with blotches of darker brown, which, depending on the garment, can be highly distressing or highly amusing, depending on one's affinity to that sort of humor.

Relativity- Not only does one hundred degrees feel cool after one hundred thirty, but it's a reason to go play full court basketball or finally get in that long run you've been meaning to get to when the weather got better.

Literature- Every terrible dime- store romance, fantasy, and thriller novel comes here when people finally clean out their attics. They are all uniformly as bad as expected, though they are read regardless.

Psychology- Though a camel spider is technically not an spider, as it has ten legs, it has the same effect on a full grown, hundred eighty pound Arachnophobe, namely shrieking like a small child and bolting, despite the fact that said Arachnophobe is a member of the greatest military the world has ever seen and is armed with an assault rifle, is carrying two hundred ten rounds of ammunition, and is wearing a Kevlar helmet, ballistic goggles, and thirty pound flak/ bullet-proof vest (with genitals protection flap).

Darwinian Theory- If one shoots all the dogs, the cats get out of control. If one shoots all of the cats, the mice run wild. Therefore, shoot all of the dogs, punt cats whenever the opportunity arises, and keep the mice as pets. The snakes have no natural predators. Scorpions will beat camel spiders every time in ammo-can death matches.

Journalism- if there is no way that your audience can see for themselves what you are writing about, you can pretty much mail it in and write whatever the hell you want, using your position to push your political views. When criticized, refute by explaining that you are just receiving flak for not buying into the official propaganda and for writing about the WHOLE story.