Liaisons

We liaison officers are a motley bunch. We are the discards from our battalions who’ve been deemed incompetent, warranted or not. Indeed, no battalion sacrifices its best or someone perceived useful, especially for a job that amounts to playing operator. Due to a grossly inflated ego from an awareness of my stellar, exemplary, stupendous character, I have treated my time as a liaison officer as a vacation, not as a banishment. Yesterday was a banner day with my co-workers. It began at lunch.

I sauntered off to eat round about noon and, as I was having a poor day from distressing information I’d received earlier, I opted to sit with some of my colleagues. Captain Adams, a former Navy SEAL but current pilot, had been promoted just at the beginning of the month. He was sitting with Captain Wingard, a National Guard Special Forces Captain (that a unit would relegate an apparently valuable piece to this job speaks volumes) and LT Terpstra, the Brigade Movement Control Officer. LT Terpstra is a bit slow on the uptake to put it mildly, though I find him amusing. CPT Adams, while a bit of a blowhard, is a good enough guy. CPT Wingard has never seemed to be anything other than a foul tempered, smug… well, we’ll just cede the point that I’m not a fan of the man.

At any rate, as I sat down the two captains were berating the poor LT Terpstra, who’d made the mistake of unveiling his Boston- bred, liberal opinions. Adams and Wingard were making the enlightened point that Islam needed to be wiped off the face of the planet and the befuddled, flustered lieutenant was trying to make the counter-argument that Christianity was responsible for its fair share of blood and mayhem. I quietly listened along, which some might find astonishing given my supposed propensity for verbosity, though I submit that I was genuinely fascinated by grown men debating earnestly with a skill which recalled grade school. I finally spoke out, with only the intention of acting as umpire, after CPT Adams, trying to deflect LT Terpstra’s point, made reference to Cortes’ slaughter of the Aztecs having happened in the THIRTEENTH century. I looked at him strangely to see if he were kidding and when it was apparent that he wasn’t, I reminded him that Columbus had landed in 1492. He began to argue with me.

I thought that perhaps he was following a technique that I often employ, where I’ll argue vehemently for an absolutely ridiculous point as a method of adding levity to a discussion that has become a tad too heated, but, no, that did not turn out to be the case. Perhaps he felt that as a Captain he could not admit that he was capable of being incorrect, a trait that I have seen in many superior officers. Perhaps he truly did have the poorest exploration historical education that I’ve witnessed in a college- educated man. Regardless, he stuck to his guns.

His argument was that, sure, Columbus had landed in 1492 but Cortes was earlier, and so was De Leon for that matter. What absolutely floored me though was that then Wingard started backing him up as they fabricated the official Moronic Captain’s History (MCH). They both snidely laughed to each other about how the little lieutenants had been taught all the wrong things out of their school history books, which they claimed were propagandized (though they didn’t state how fabricating Columbus as the discoverer over their champions was a benefit). I was apoplectic. How on earth could this actually be going on? I was just stunned. They both went on to include in their MCH that St. Augustine had been founded in the 1470s but that it wasn’t the oldest town in the US because there was one up in Maryland that had been settled in the 1300s. CPT Wingard’s evidence was that his brother “used to live in that town.” CPT Adams went on to add that the Santa Maria had landed at Plymouth Rock. I nearly had an aneurysm, but, fortunately, not even CPT Wingard would back him on that fantasy, so he said “oops” and went back to his previous blathering.

Finally, it came down to a matter of wagering. I had no cash and it felt flat- out wrong to take money that easily, so I proposed forty pushups in the Tactical Operations Center (TOC) where we work. Wingard elegantly called me a “pussy.” Adams accepted my wager of pushups and Terpstra’s wager of ten dollars, though I watched the two Captains bamboozle Terpstra by having him exchange bills back and forth until I’m pretty sure they conned five off of him. I left them as they continued to bicker because I’d had all the stupidity I could take.

When I got back in the TOC, the computer that we were to use to settle the argument was occupied, so I waited. As I read a book, the three schmucks came in and Wingard snidely questioned what the answer was. I explained that the computer was occupied and went back to playing solitaire on my computer, which, sadly, appears to be my real occupation here. I saw that CPT Adams had gotten on the computer and so I sat next to him to get a good look at him when he ate crow. I suspect he finally realized he was wrong because he refused to look up the answer, instead checking on finance. I went back to my seat. After a while, I faintly heard CPT Adams mention that “technically” I was right. I gave him a wee bit of hell.

When he finally came back to his accustomed spot he tried to save face by saying that De Leon hadn’t gone before Columbus but had been on the trip with him. Then Wingard asked which one had gotten off the boat first. Adams said something about De Leon being a foot soldier. Then he tried to say that he had been right because De Leon was in Florida before Columbus. At that point, I’d had enough.

“If you see an Olympic weightlifter, you’re not going to challenge him to a weightlifting competition, right?” I queried, a smirk on my face.

“Yeah…,” followed along Adams

“Well, then why in the hell would you think to argue with ME about anything?”

“Wait, are you saying you’re better at arguing” perplexedly chimed in Terpstra.

“No, I’m merely stating that I’m the smartest person in the Brigade Sector and that it is asinine to compete with me about this…Tell you what,” I said to CPT Adams, “I won’t try to tell you about being a SEAL, and you don’t try to tell me about ANYTHING ELSE.”

I rolled with laughter. They were pissed. I laughed harder.