Dictator's Guide to Holding Power: Part 3

As the events in the Muslim world of late have shown, despite thousands of years of evidence on what works to acquire and maintain a stranglehold on a populace, modern (im)potentates have clearly been out of the loop. Thus, for their benefit and that of their subjugated masses, I present

The Dictator's Guide to Holding Power (Part 3: Puppetry)

You're in charge.  The Big Boss.  El Jefe.  The Big Cheese.  You want people to know it!

So did Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Qaddafi (He doesn't know how to spell it either.  Seriously.)

They wanted to make sure everyone knew they were "runnin' shit."

See where I'm going with this?

You can do all the steps correctly.  You can entertain; you can feed; you can get power that way.  Keeping it takes a bit more nuance than "panem et circenses" and "I'm in $@#!ing charge!"  

(Important to note/ helpful tip: if you have to constantly reiterate that you're in charge, you're in deep, deep trouble already.)

People lie to themselves.  Learn this.  People want to lie to themselves.  If you give them an excuse to do it, they will, and gladly.  Humans are trained to despise tyranny but still want to be led.  Whiny sheep.

So...lie to them.  It's really that easy.

If you're holding actual power, what do you care what your "official" title is?

Glory?

If that's it, you're a retard.  You're like the people who go to law school just because they think the prestige of being an attorney makes them more important.  Enjoy being strangled/stabbed/shot.

Rome again (I know...I know...)

Augustus Caesar didn't declare himself "king."  Technically, Rome under his rule kept the republican government it always had.  There was still the senate; there were still the duly elected magistrates; everyone knew what was up though.  Occasionally he'd stand for election for one of the magistracies, but he was content to let people lie to themselves and he kept up the charade.  Successful despots have been doing this throughout world history (Shoguns in Japan, Grand Viziers under the Ottomans, etc).

Quick! Who's in charge in Iran?

Ahmadinejad?

Wrong!

The Ayatollah (and the Supreme Council)

Sure.  Sure.  They had riots, but the riots didn't go anywhere and even if they did, so what? (I say they wouldn't have had riots if they not only allowed but endorsed public boobies, btw)  They're protesting against a puppet government.  Swap out Ahmadinejad, who has no authority beyond what he's allowed, for someone more palatable.  Okay.  Change the window dressing but the view stays the same.  

(Please note, this is different from the US, where when one party replaces the other it is also changing the window dressing and the view not changing; however, the difference is that there is no mastermind retaining power/guiding policy.  We're a driverless tank careening down an urban highway during rush hour. Not pretty.)

Quick! Who's in charge in Russia?

(If you're in charge, never have your shirt off outside of the bedroom)

Putin!

Except he's not.  He's the Prime Minister, technically.  Medvedev is the President.  But everyone knows it's Putin.  He just had to let everyone know he's "runnin' shit."  For now, it's working for him, so long as people remember how bad things used to be, but unless he starts a war to distract from his failings...wait? He already did that?  Oooh.  That doesn't look good for him.

[Stirring up foreign issues to mask domestic troubles is the 1A move in your dictator playbook.  I haven't mentioned it before because if you don't know that you never should have gotten there in the first place. For examples, see everything Ahmadenijad does ("holocaust!" and "nukes!")]

Anyway, the Ayatollah is smart.  He rules and let his puppet dance around and say ridiculous crap and deal with the fallout.  Putin's not going to survive when Russia is tired of his crap.  I'm not saying the Ayatollah is, since he isn't feeding and he isn't entertaining, but he'll be able to withstand the initial blast.

Mubarak failed because he made his puppet government too obviously fake.  Once there's an uprising is not the time to try to institute a more legitimate fake government ("Okay. Fine. I'll have a Vice-President, I guess...).  

Besides, let the little people deal with the day to day boring crap.  They feel "empowered" and you don't have to do the mind-numbing work of approving road resurfacing, school building, and the like.  The most successful dictator lets people play at their silly little government game and then steps in and says "no more play time" when it suits him.  Tyrants are micro-managers.

The Emir of Kuwait, whom I've already pointed out is pretty fantastic at the feeding and entertaining, also is great at puppetry.  The official government of Kuwait is a Constitutional Monarchy.  There's an elected parliament.  They run things. 

(You'd be smiling too if you had duped everyone that well)

Until the Emir decides they can go screw themselves.  Then he's allowed to dissolve the national assembly and assume total power.  Obviously, he does that rarely because he doesn't have to, but just having that ability means that when he makes a suggestion they do what he says.  The founder of the modern Kuwaiti state was brilliant.  If Kuwait somehow screws up (hard to do considering their oil reserves are so large in contrast to how small the country is), the Emir will be able to throw the parliament under the bus.  He's absolutely loved and absolutely in control and he doesn't have to deal with day-to-day B.S.  He should be your role-model.

 (This is to remind you to remember to feed and entertain; also, so I can get people to read, I have to include at least one scantily clad woman per post...sad part is, it doesn't matter that it's Paris Hilton eating a hamburger; it's still the reason they'll scroll through the article)

Up Next: Crackin' Skulls! (Fun Times!)